The Selfishness Myth: Why Healthy Boundaries Aren’t Selfish
The False Choice
When you set boundaries or make choices for your own wellbeing, manipulators love to pull out one word: "selfish."
But they’re not being accurate. They’re presenting you with a false choice between only two options — when there’s actually a third.
The Three Categories
Selfless
- Always sacrificing your time, goals, and happiness for others
- Never saying no, never setting boundaries
- Making yourself smaller so others feel bigger
- What manipulators are used to from people in their lives
Balanced / Healthy
- Setting reasonable boundaries while still caring about others
- Making decisions that work for you AND respect others
- Taking care of yourself so you can show up authentically
- What emotionally healthy people actually do
Selfish
- Not caring how your actions affect others
- Taking advantage of people for your own benefit
- Expecting others to sacrifice while you sacrifice nothing
- Actually problematic behaviour that should be called out
The Truth About "Selfish" Accusations
When manipulators call you selfish, they’re really saying: "Why won’t you be selfless like everyone else in my life?" They’re so used to others sacrificing for them that anything less than full self-abandonment feels like an attack.
Real-World Examples
"You’re abandoning the family by moving away."
Reality: You’re making a healthy life choice that respects your goals and future while maintaining relationships.
"You’re being selfish pursuing art instead of a stable job."
Reality: You’re making an authentic choice and taking responsibility for your life path.
"You only think about yourself – what about my loneliness?"
Reality: You’re managing your time and energy reasonably while still caring about others.
"If you loved us, you’d date someone we approve of."
Reality: You’re choosing your partner while still treating your family with respect.
The Selflessness Trap
Some people become addicted to others being selfless because:
- They get everything they want without compromise
- They mistake sacrifice for love
- They avoid taking responsibility
- They stay in control
- It feeds their ego
This creates deeply unhealthy dynamics where one person gives everything and the other takes everything.
What Actual Selfishness Looks Like
- Expecting others to accommodate you without compromise
- Taking advantage of others’ kindness without giving back
- Making demands on others' time, energy, or money without care
- Refusing to take responsibility for your impact
- Using guilt, threats, or manipulation to get your way
The irony: those calling you selfish for having boundaries are often displaying real selfishness themselves.
Reframing Common Accusations
- "You only think about yourself" – You consider your needs alongside others’
- "You’re abandoning family" – You’re making healthy choices while staying connected
- "You’re ungrateful" – You appreciate past kindness without giving up autonomy
- "You’ve changed" – You’ve grown and developed boundaries
- "You don’t care about anyone else" – You care about others and yourself
The Guilt Industrial Complex
Some families operate like a system built on guilt, where love means sacrifice, saying no is betrayal, and independence is abandonment. It benefits one person — and drains everyone else.
Breaking Free
You’re not being selfish by living your life with boundaries. You’re being self-respecting. That’s not wrong — that’s necessary.
When someone calls you selfish for setting boundaries, ask yourself: Are they upset because you’re being selfish — or because you’re no longer being selfless enough for their comfort?
The Bottom Line
- You can care about others without sacrificing yourself.
- You can be loving without being selfless.
- You can have boundaries without being selfish.